I haven’t written anything on this blog for a long time. I
have a variety of reasons for my absence, which are mostly covered by the excuse “Life Got In The Way.” College, new blogs, working too many jobs to count,
and family obligations, among other things. But now it’s New Year’s eve, I don’t
have to work or study tomorrow, and thus have absolutely no excuse for not
taking a few moments to write a short(ish) contemplative post.
Except I’m not really sure what to write. 2012 is almost
over, and I have no idea how I am supposed to feel about that. When I start musing about this year and everything that it brought forth, I am overwhelmed
with nostalgia, gratitude, sadness, regret, ecstatic happiness, fear, hope, and
anger, among other emotions. So I’m having a hard time deciding what I think
about this past year and how I feel about the coming year.
I can certainly say that last December lots of things were
very different… I was in my senior year of high school, hell bent on going to
an Ivy League college, experiencing painful jealousy, bitterness, and
disillusionment in my personal life, questioning the most important of my
foundational values, doing a lot of writing, reading a lot of poetry I didn’t
understand, and listening to a lot of Maroon 5. They were interesting times,
albeit the darkest times of my life thus far. But I think I learned a lot about
life last December, nonetheless…
Personally, 2012 was a year of new beginnings. Starting
college was a big one. I graduated high school in May, and I think since then
I’ve been learning to cease worrying (somewhat) about people’s opinions and instead
learn to love the path I’ve chosen for myself. (Not an easy lesson.) I learned
to only worry about the opinions of the people I’ve come to respect and love –
people who have earned my trust – instead of giving credence to every opinion
with which I come into contact.
And that’s another thing. (Pardon my whimsical rambling
here… I’m just writing down these thoughts as they come into my head.) I’ve
learned not to give away trust, but to instead allow others to earn it. This
doesn’t mean I’ve become untrusting. I’m merely learning that, especially in
this culture and country, people have no idea what it means to stick with
commitments. I’ve learned the hard way that when the going gets tough, the solution for most people is to leave. I’m not bitter about that – (well, at least I try not to be.) Rather, the
realization has embedded within me the firm belief that trust should be earned, not given
away.
In 2012, I lost a great deal and learned a ton. I fell in love with life, and made a (probably momentous) decision to
take that life in both of my hands and stop quantifying/qualifying it by numbers.
My GPA, exact hours of study, daily compliments, minutes of practice, followers on my blogs,
professional or educational accomplishments, pats on my back, places I’ve been, things I’ve done… I’m not so sure the numbers
of those things matter so much anymore. They’re still relatively important, but 2012 taught
me not to let them define my success.
I guess I better wrap this up, because 2013 is coming on,
bringing with it all the new battles I’ll be fighting, all the new hills I’ll
be climbing, all the tests I’ll fail and pass, all the lessons I’ll learn. I’m
afraid, but I’m also excited. So much lies before me, and I can’t wait to see
what it is.
L’Shana Tova!
